im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
