I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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