Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
