I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
