Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
