i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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