if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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