Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
