I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
