I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I won the penis lottery.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
