1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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