i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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