All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
