True but thats because hes a fetus.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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