I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you had me at cake vodka
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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