Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i will never coherently bang her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is Oprah even human
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
