im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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