apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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