I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
