The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
