my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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