You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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