When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
