we're blogging at a bar
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
