I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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