If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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