I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
that is very illegal...i love you.
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