I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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