I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
