Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
