She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I want her autograph on my taint
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
