so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
