I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
