all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
