Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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