Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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