well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
