He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
