margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
