i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
