i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
