I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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