I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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