I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
