Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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