Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
