Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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