She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
