ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
