Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
